I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
