Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
