hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
