i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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