Porn is love you can see.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
