It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
