Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I think your dad took our porno
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
