gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
