Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
And then he peed in my hair
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