Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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