I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
