WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
They are going to name an STD after you.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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