How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
