Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
