is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I supernannyed him into submission
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
