grandma shit on top of the toilet
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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