u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
