i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
