Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
