She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
