and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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