why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
