my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
