he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
