i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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