my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
