in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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