Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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