Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
