I'm eating all of the evidence.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
