Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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