last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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