As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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