you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
