So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
