I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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