he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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