I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
