So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
