zippers are such a cool invention
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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