put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
