The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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