fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
