i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My vagina is very pro this idea
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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