mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
