You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
