And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
