anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
