I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
