The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
