Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
