Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
