I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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